Eurovision time again.

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It begins. Four Portuguese ladies are something, something in their third languages.

Ukraine: oh dear, piano in flames, strobes, nonsense. One coloured contact lens.

Edit: fucking auto-correct.

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Spain: A plunging neckline and a gay man pretend to be a real life couple. All very lilac.

Edit: probably drunk Heid rather than fucking autocorrect.

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Slovenia: pink hair, much strobage, angst, dancers,

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Lithuania: woman sings ballad, relying on voice and song rather than gimmicks. Ought to do well but won’t. She’s singing in English which is not her first language.

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Austria: the only black Austrian sings song. Apparently his aunt was Pepsi from Pepsi and Shirley. By the numbers R&B.

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Estonia: operatic in a 5th Element way with illuminated dress. I like it, but then I like the 5th Element.

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Russia didn’t get through to the final, because the prevailing mood seems to be “Fuck Russia”.

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Norway: previous winner with imaginary violin and a song that sounds like Ed Sheerin. I rarely say this but fuck Norway, you’re better than this. And now he’s scat singing. Desperation in tight trousers.

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Portugal: more pink hair with a diesel sidekick, angst cover version of a Coldplay song. Needz moar Chris Martin. Or not.

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Oh fuck it’s us. More pink hair. It doesn’t matter how good this is we’ll get Brexited. This is another cover version of a shit song. Not Coldplay but someone worse. Not U2 worse but worse.

Fuck me, the crowd like it.

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Serbia: Graham Norton just described them as a cult leader and his three sister wives, Can’t disagree. Song sounds like usual Balkan nonsense with Sufi overtones.

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Apparently something went wrong during the UK performance, just sounded like the usual shite to me.

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‘Schland! Another Ed Sheerin, he can fuck right off, and continue fucking off until he gets back here when he can start fucking off again.

Someone invaded the stage during th UK song, eh, can’t make me care.

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Albania: guitars and a beard, clapping, backing clappers, morphed into sub-Meatloaf rock.

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France, a real life couple and this song is to do with refugees. Kill me now, Dry ice, shoulder pads, Je m’apelle merci, they’re circling one another, she’s emoting and bleach blonde, Could do well.

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Czech: visually it is a Whitney Houston video, musically 1990s ephemera, he’s wearing a backpack and just did the Floss, he couldn’t be trying harder.

Edit: still drunk.

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Denmark: beardie scanners, pomp rock by blokes in black coats, pretentious toss.

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Australia: she’s very big Down Under. Ok having got that out of the way, this is ok, but if she wins the show will be from the UK next year so fuck the Convict Colony.

This could easily win, and not just because voters would find it funny to select the Diggers.

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Finland: not Lordi so meh. Better English than most Britons, side shave and much projection, can’t dance. Hits high notes though.

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Just watched the UK incident and our lass deserves all the credit for keeping going. UK was offered the chance to sing again and turned it down.

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Bulgaria: Man in a hat trying to be Will.i.am. Oh, he’s got four mates, five seems to be this year’s chosen number. Blonde Mindy in shoulder pads is emoting, more angst, sturm und drang.

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Moldova: prime Eurovision, shades of Rowan and Martin; this is splendid nonsense.

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Sweden: Justin Beiber’s less talented Scandinavia cousin, but just as punchable.

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Hungary: thrash metal let down by wanker vocalist, Linkin Park lite, singing in Magyar, probably better in any other language. Guitarist is crowd surfing. KEY CHANGE! The key is changed!

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Israel: as Euro as Australia, chubby Bjork, only thre dancers so short of numbers. Shite but popular in the room.