Illuminati-R-Us

wring wrote:It cracked me up, too. It was like the big circus fire- it was intence.

{Ahem} Intents. :wink:

It was, in tense.

And now we've gone full circus.

You're not lion.

Misogynistic humour. Or ... is it ?

In the world of relationships, one single rule applies, make the little woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played..


Here's a handy guide to the point system:


SIMPLE DUTIES


You make the bed (+1)

You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)

You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+eight 8)

But return with Beer (-5)

You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)

You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)

You check out a suspicious noise, and it is something (+5)

You pummel it with an iron rod (+10)

It's her pet (-20)


SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS


You stay by her side the entire party (0)

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend (-2)

Named Tina (-10)

Tina is a dancer (-20)

Tina has silicone implants (-80)



HER BIRTHDAY


You take her out to dinner (+2)

You take her out to dinner, and it's not a sports bar (+3)

Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)

And, it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team (-10)



A NIGHT OUT


You take her to a movie (+1)

You take her to a movie she likes (+3)

You take her to a movie you hate (+6)

You take her to a movie you like (-2)

It's called "Death Cop" (-3)

You lied, and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)


YOUR PHYSIQUE


You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)

You develop a noticeable potbelly, and exercise to get rid of it (+10)

You develop a noticeable potbelly, and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)

You say, "So what? You have one, too." (-8000)


THE BIG QUESTION


She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) (Yes, you lose points no matter what)

You hesitate in responding (-10)

You reply, "Where?" (-35)

Any other response (-20)



COMMUNICATION


When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)

You listen for over 30 minutes (+50)

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)

She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-4000)

- Apologies to any [strike]female[/strike] board members this offends.

Oh crap, -12,000 and still counting...

Enzo wrote:Oh crap, -12,000 and still counting...

And that's just yesterday.

Texting abreviations for those over 50 ...

* ATD - At the Doctor's

* BFF - Best Friends Funeral

* BTW - Bring the Wheelchair

* BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth

* CBM - Covered by Medicare

* CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center

* DWI - Driving While Incontinent

* FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers

* FWIW - Forgot Where I Was

* FYI - Found Your Insulin

* GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

* GHA - Got Heartburn Again

* HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement

* IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?

* LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out

* LOL - Living on Lipitor

* LWO - Lawrence Welk's On

* OMMR - On My Massage Recliner

* OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas

* ROFL...CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!

* TOT - Texting on Toilet

* TTYL - Talk to You Louder

* WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?

* WTFA - Wet the Furniture Again

* WTP - Where're the Prunes

* WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil

... If I ever learn how to text, I may use these.

A guy walks into a bar with his wife. The bartender says to the wife, "Sit down, they day is long enough already."



Well, this is funny in certain contexts.

Some might say it's been nice knowing you.

Enzo, missed your annual St Paddy's day joke ... still not too late ... :wink:

OMG!!!


Hey, what's a mile long and has an IQ of 40?



The Saint Patrick's Day Parade.

An old Marine pilot sat down at Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC
flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She
turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first
Stearman's, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot. What are you?"

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old
pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

Overheard in my home city the other night: "Glasgow is just like Las Vegas, you can pay your prostitute in chips."

Is "chips" (for Glasgow, at least) just chips as in "fish and chips", or am I missing something more profound here?

Arneb wrote:Is "chips" (for Glasgow, at least) just chips as in "fish and chips", or am I missing something more profound here?

I believe that's the case, whereas in Las Vegas, "chips" would be these things.

Or perhaps we could pay them in Estradas:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/CHiPs

Arneb wrote:Is "chips" (for Glasgow, at least) just chips as in "fish and chips", or am I missing something more profound here?

Yes, those kind of chips. A play on the alleged easy virtue of the young ladies, and their fondness for fried foods.

So i got it right. You made my day!

I am currently watching about 1 - 2 episodes of CSI per day (TOTALLY legally, I presume, downloaded from here), so I am in a somber mood re. my oral comprehension skills.

Enzo wrote:Or perhaps we could pay them in Estradas:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/CHiPs

Estrada or Nada

According to Wikipedia, a full-time deputy sheriff in Bedford County, Virginia.

Um... I'll go for Nada, Erik.


Nada's for $400, Alex.

My sister just married a Hong Kong billionaire, Cha Ching.

It's not that I don't know how to juggle, I just don't have the balls to do it.

Мастер wrote: According to Wikipedia, a full-time deputy sheriff in Bedford County, Virginia.

So has he been a deputy for all of 5 years already?

Stuart Hall, Rolf Harris and Max Clifford walk into an Irish bar.

The barman says “Jaysus, not Yew Tree again”.