Illuminati-R-Us

Posted: **Tue Dec 13, 2011 1:32 pm**

At a recent demonstration outside parliament:

Man with megaphone: What do we want?
Crowd: A cure for Tourettes!
Mwm: When do we want it?
Crowd: Cunt!

Posted: **Wed Dec 14, 2011 1:12 am**

Alright, that's tasteless enough to amuse me.

Posted: **Wed Dec 14, 2011 1:52 am**

Haid ...

Posted: **Fri Feb 03, 2012 2:16 am**

The Maple Leafs are Toronto's hockey team, the Canadiens, Montreal's.

For many years there has been an intense rivalry.

On a tour of Florida , the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the Pope mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless man, wearing a Montreal Canadiens jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark.

As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three men wearing Toronto Maple Leafs jerseys aboard. One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side. The other two reached out and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Canadiens fan from the water. Then using baseball bats, the three heroes in blue and white beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat also.

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach.

"I give you my blessing for your brave actions," he told them. I heard that there was some bitter hatred between Leafs and Canadiens' fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not the truth."

As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies "Who was that?"

"It was the Pope," one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."

"Well," the harpooner said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he doesn't know a thing about shark fishing... how's the bait holding up?"

Posted: **Fri Feb 03, 2012 5:15 am**

There was a South African version of this joke, involving crocodile hunting. I leave it to you to imagine the likely identities of the various participants.

Posted: **Fri Feb 03, 2012 10:41 am**

Oh, I know that one, too. Afrikaner jokes, sick, sick, sick....

Posted: **Sun Feb 05, 2012 3:59 am**

Medical humour …

A man goes to his doctor's office to find out the results of his tests.

“I’m afraid I have bad news, and worse news” says the doctor.

“Oh, no. What is the bad news?”

“You only have 24 hours to live.”

“My God!” Says the patient. “How could there be worse news?”

The doctor says, “I have been trying to contact you since yesterday!”

Posted: **Sun Feb 05, 2012 4:08 am**

Hunting humour …

Two hunters are out in the Michigan woods. Suddenly, one clutches his chest and falls to the ground.

The other frantically calls 911 on his cell phone, and tells the responder that his buddy is dead, and asks what to do.

The responder says, “Calm down. First, be sure your companion is really dead.”

There is a brief silence on the line, then the 911 responder hears click, click, BLAM BLAM.

The hunter comes back on the line. “Alright, I’m sure. Now, what should I do?”

Posted: **Wed Feb 15, 2012 2:43 am**

And one for Valentine's day (here's looking at you, wring) ... :wink:

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips, in Northern Arizona, when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried - in vain - to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What in bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said: "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

"Good trade ......"

Posted: **Wed Feb 15, 2012 3:30 am**

19 laws ...

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11.. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

Posted: **Wed Feb 15, 2012 11:30 am**

Well, no news there...

Posted: **Wed Feb 15, 2012 11:49 am**

So why are there only 18 laws?

Posted: **Wed Feb 15, 2012 10:58 pm**

Very old, this, but on the ofchance that somebody missed them here are safety warnings mandated by physics - the last one is probably my favourite.

Warning: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.

Warning: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance Between Them.

Caution: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.

Handle with Extreme Care: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles per Hour.

Consumer Notice: Because of the 'Uncertainty Principle,' It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving.

Advisory: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a Process Known as 'Tunneling,' This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including Your Neighbors Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.

Read This Before Opening Package: According to Certain Suggested Versions of a Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting This Product May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Million Years.

This is a 100% Matter product: In the Unlikely Event That This Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion Will Result.

Public Notice as Required by Law: Any Use of This Product, in Any Manner Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the Universe. Although No Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That This Process Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe.

Note: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together by a 'Gluing' Force About Which Little Is Currently Known and Whose Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.

Attention: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the Consumer Is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of 99.9999999999% Empty Space.

New Grand Unified Theory Disclaimer: The Manufacturer May Technically Be Entitled to Claim That This Product Is Ten-Dimensional. However, the Consumer Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above and Beyond Those Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New Dimensions Are 'Rolled Up' into Such a Small 'Area' That They Cannot Be Detected.

Please Note: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.

Component equivalency notice: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons, Protons, etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every Measurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers, and No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied.

Important Notice to Purchasers: The Entire Physical Universe, Including This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally Small Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently Re-emerge, the Existence of This Product in That Universe Cannot be Guaranteed.

Health Warning: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the User.

Oh, and Mr Ba - outstanding work on the tourettes joke - which I have only just seen.

Posted: **Thu Feb 16, 2012 2:46 am**

Mactep wrote:So why are there only 18 laws?

Law # 5 redacted. There is no Law # 5 ... Citizen.

Posted: **Fri Feb 17, 2012 3:55 am**

Ah yes, from my college days:

The following exam contains 50 questions, numbered consecutively 1 through 75

Posted: **Wed Feb 22, 2012 10:06 pm**

A man walks into a bar in Toronto carrying a small dog under his arm. The dog is wearing a Maple Leafs sweater. The man orders a glass of beer, and starts watching the hockey game on the TV. Suddenly, the Leafs score!

The dog goes crazy, barking, dancing, spinning, and turning back flips on the bar.

“Wow!” says the bartender, clearly impressed. “What does he do when the Leafs win?”

The man replies, “I don’t know. I have only had the dog for five years.”

Posted: **Fri Feb 24, 2012 4:34 am**

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a. m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

Posted: **Fri Feb 24, 2012 10:27 am**

In the middle of a function at my hospital (which is part of the largest Protestant welfare organisation of the country), we had two priests speaking. On the spot, I invented the shortest priest joke (and told it to our hospital priest right awqay): There was that priest who gave a short sermon.

Posted: **Sat Feb 25, 2012 2:24 am**

Arneb, do NOT give up your day job. :wink: :lol:

Posted: **Sat Feb 25, 2012 5:47 am**

Arneb wrote:In the middle of a function at my hospital (which is part of the largest Protestant welfare organisation of the country)

So you have changed sides then?

Posted: **Sat Feb 25, 2012 6:52 pm**

You mean, re. confessions? :wink:

Yes, I've had it with Catholics, now I am with my own bunch again. The joke applies to both faculties, though.

Posted: **Sun Feb 26, 2012 3:08 am**

Two zombies, eating a clown.

The first zombie says, "Does this taste funny to you?"

Posted: **Sat Mar 03, 2012 3:48 pm**

The past, the future and the present walk into a bar. It was tense.

(shamelessly stolen)

Posted: **Sat Mar 03, 2012 9:22 pm**

That one cracke up my wife (an English teacher).

Posted: **Sun Mar 04, 2012 12:29 am**

It cracked me up, too. It was like the big circus fire- it was intence.

Illuminati-R-Us

A diverse group enter a drinking establishment . . .