Illuminati-R-Us

Currently making the rounds on the Internet ...

FAMILY TREE OF VINCENT VAN GOGH

His dizzy aunt ----------------------------------------------- Verti Gogh


The brother who ate prunes------------------------------- Gotta Gogh


The brother who worked at a convenience store ------ Stop N Gogh


The grandfather from Yugoslavia ----------------------------- U Gogh


His magician uncle -------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh


His Mexican cousin ---------------------------------------- A Mee Gogh


The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ------------ Gring Gogh


The nephew who drove a stage coach --------------- Wells-far Gogh


The constipated uncle ------------------------------------- Can't Gogh


The ballroom dancing aunt -------------------------------- Tang Gogh


The bird lover uncle -------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh


An aunt who taught positive thinking ------------------ Way-to-Gogh


The little bouncy nephew ----------------------------------- Poe Gogh


A sister who loved disco -------------------------------------- Go Gogh


And his niece who travels the country in an RV --- Winnie Bay Gogh



Smiling ?? . . .. there ya Gogh!!!

Ahhh. Aaaaaaaah! The pain! PAAAAAAAAIIIIN!

Oh, that is just so gagh...








Gogh - go

Gagh - gay


Y'see? It's...


Ah, never mind...

Towards the end of a round of golf, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty, yellow buttercups.

Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden? POOF!!

In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life... better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!'

Then POOF!... she was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred, where are you?'

Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the pussy willows.'

Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred!' FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!'

- Usual apologies to women, golfers, mother nature, plants, and anyone with a sense of humour.

Count the rings on that one, Enzo.

OH yeah?

I COULD tell the one about the wife finding the box in the attic, which held three golf balls and several hundred dollars in cash.


But I won;t

Enzo wrote:OH yeah?

I COULD tell the one about the wife finding the box in the attic, which held three golf balls and several hundred dollars in cash.


But I won;t

Awww. Please, Enzo?

Probably screw it up.


A older woman discovers a cigar box in the attic, and inside it are three golf balls and several hundred dollars in cash. SHe goes down and asks her husband of 50 years what this box was for. SO he told her.

"Dear, I am so ashamed, but though I have loved you all these 50 years, I have wandered astray. Each time I was with another woman, I put a golf ball in the box."

SO she thought about it. "Oh. Well, I guess in 50 years, allowing yourself to be tempted three times is not such a bad average. But what about all the money?"

"Oh, every time I get a dozen golf balls saved up, I sell them for $10."

An Italian, a Frenchman and a Newfie are drinking together in a bar, and discussing what sexual acts drive their wives crazy.

The Italian says, "I sprinkle wine over her naked body. Wherever a drop falls, I suck it off. Drives my wife ... crazy."

The Frenchman says, "I drop rose petals over her naked body. Wherever one falls, I kiss. Drives her crazy."

The Newfie says, "After me an' de missus has sex, I gets up and wipes me cock off on de drapes. Drives her crazy."

- Usual apologies to women, Newfies, all female board members, and drapes.

It's curtains, for sure.

One for the ladies ... :wink:

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at a singles bar, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

A Mexican, an Irishman and a horse walk into a bar. The barman looks up and says:

"What is this, some sort of joke?"

A woman walked into a bar and asked the barman for a double entendre. So he gave her one.

To borrow from Lianachan:

A Mexican, an Irishman and a horse walk into a bar. The barman looks up at the horse and says:

"Why the long face?"

Schrodinger's Cat walks into a bar........and doesn't.

Bartender hands the phone to him and says, "It's for you." Cat waves him off and says, "I'm not here." "Or am I?"




yeah yeah, needs work.

Bartender can't really tell if the cat is there or not so he pours himself another drink?

A temperance preacher walks into a bar, and begins haranguing the barflies on the evils of alcohol on their bodies, to no effect.

He resorts to a visual demonstration.

Asking for a glass of whiskey, the preacher pulls an earthworm out of his pocket, holds it high, then drops it into the whiskey.

The unfortunate worm convulses briefly, and starts to dissolve.

The preacher calls out triumphantly, “And what does this teach you?”

Silence. Then a drunk at the end of the bar slurs out, “If you drink you will never get worms?”

(Let me see, must adapt...)

OK, three guys walk into a bar and... it collapses and kills them all, so...

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint
Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You
must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas
to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled
out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a
candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter
said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out
a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're
bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly
gates".

The third man started searching desperately through
his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's
panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and
asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"


The man replied, "These are Carols."

Is there a variant where one of the three pulls out his boner and says "and this represenets the Holy Ghost?"

Well, I guess there is now.

Oh, so now it is “pearly gates” stories. :wink:

An upstanding, celibate Christian priest appears before the Pearly Gates. St Peter asks him what should be his reward in Heaven.

The priest responds, “I have always wanted to research the origins, the basis of our religion.”

St Peter directs him to the Library of Heaven.

For months, the priest is happy in his research. Then, one day, a cry of despair comes from the library.

“Oh, no!”

Again, still louder, “Oh, no! Oh … NO!”

The angels flutter, and St Peter rushes to the side of the priest.

“What is wrong??”

“OH, NO! cries the priest. It was a typographic error! The word was … celebrate!!!”

A young cowboy from Montana goes off to college. Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.
"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here at the University that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000," the young cowboy says. "I'll get
him in the course."
So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Last week, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the newspaper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"

The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
The kid went on to law school, and is now a Republican senator seeking re-election.

KLA2 wrote:A young cowboy from Montana goes off to college.

That's pretty funny. Oh, what's that? There's more to the joke?

I thought as much, somehting along the lines of, what's the shortest redneck joke - Redneck goes to college...

Shouldn't that be "cowperson"?