Illuminati-R-Us

Benny Andersson walked into a bar. He didn't have to audition or anything.

A rabbi, a priest and a minister walk into a bar.

The rabbi and priest duck, the minister suffers a minor concussion.

KLA2 wrote:A rabbi, a priest and a minister walk into a bar.

The rabbi and priest duck, the minister suffers a minor concussion.

:wink: Hey, I thought that was where you were going with this thread. Do you know how many
... walked into a bar ... jokes there are?

Several.

A fried egg and a strip of bacon walk into a bar.

The bartender says "We don't serve breakfast here."

Anyone else? 8)

A termite walks into a bar and says is the bartender here?

A guy walks in.........ok, he did not walk in, he was already there. One guy says, "I slept with my wife before we were married, did you?". The other guy says, "I don't know; what was her maiden name?".

Heh. Is the bar tender. Pretty good.

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus.

Says, “I will bet drink that my octopus can predict the results of any sports event … Sorry. Another joke. Can play any instrument ever made.”

A man steps up with a harmonica, and the octopus plays it like Stevie Wonder.

On successive nights, the octopus masters the guitar, piano, saxophone and flute.

The owner drinks happily on.

Finally, a Scotsman steps up with a bagpipe.

The octopus sidles up to it and starts fumbling ineffectually with the bag.

“Ach, laddie, “ gloats the Scot, “Yer wee beastie can nay play the pipes.”

“Play it?” replies the octopus, “As soon as I get these pajamas off, I’m going to fuck it.”

Hey, c'mon, folks. What is this, board of the jokeless dead?

A man walks into a bar in Boston and orders three glasses of beer. He sits and drinks them silently.

Does this every night for a month, until the bartender asks him, why three.

The patron replies that one is for himself, the other two for his brothers back in Dublin.

Six months later, the patron sits down and orders two beers.

After a respectful time, the bartender approaches the patron and says, "Sorry for your loss."

The patron looks puzzled. The bartender continues, "Seeing as how you are now having only two beers, I assume one of your brothers has died."

The patron brightened up and replied, "No, nothing of the sort. My wife joined us up in the Baptist church, and says neither of us can drink. Fortunately, that does not affect my brothers."

A man walks into a bar with a growth on his forehead that looks exactly like a bullfrog.

After serving him a couple of drinks, the bartender says, "Hey buddy, that's the ugliest growth I have ever seen."

"I know", says the frog. "Would you believe it started out as a wart on my ass?"

C'mon, folks. Jump in any time. :wink:

A guy walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender says, "Can I help you?" The duck says, "Yeah, you can get this guy off my butt!"

(Okay so I stole this joke, so bite me)

I read this great joke on Twitter:

A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. The priest asks the bartender for holywater, straight up. The bartender pours him the drink. The rabbi asks for concord grape wine, so the bar...

Errm, sorry

Arneb wrote:Errm, sorry

I think the punchline is going to have something to do with turning the water into wine . . .

Is it not to do with the 140 character limit?

Heid the Ba' wrote:Is it not to do with the 140 character limit?

Ah, so maybe I need one of these.

Heid wins the priz...

It was a doctor's regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home and, aware of his habit, the bartender would always have the drink waiting for him at precisely 5:18 PM. One afternoon as the end of the work-day neared the bartender was dismayed to find he was out of hazelnut extract but, thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink, then exclaimed: "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri", to which the bartender replied, "No, I'm sorry, it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."


Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, a tub of cottage chesse, says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here." One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not? We're all cultured individuals here."


And let's shake the dust off of this one.....
This mushroom walks into a bar and starts hitting on this woman... She, of course, turns him down. Not willing to give up, he pleads with her... "C'mon lady, I'm a fun guy..."

AH Jimmy, the hickory daquiri...

You know kickory is a kind of wood, and wood comes from trees. The interesting thing about trees is you can cut themopen and count the rings, and that tells you how old they are. Now that daquiri joke is similar. We need to cut it open and count the rings...

Even if it's so old...can you explain it to me?

"hickory daiquiri doc" sounds like hickory dickory dock

its one of those 'you had to be there' sayings

Oh dear, and I was searching for a mean sexual connotation beyond my linguistic horizon. But nursery rhymes... Far out.

There's a million of them, folks. Not to be confused with, there's a million of them folks.

This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his hometown for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs Benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?" The waiter says, "Well, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise."


Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive."

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First, I'm a tepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a tepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."

Which is a variation on one of my favorites:
Did you hear about the big circus fire? It was in tents.

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later Juan sends a picture of himself to his Mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins -- if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

But alas...

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Ouch. I'm thinking about renaming this thread "Cruel and unusual punishment." Who's with me?

MM_Dandy wrote:Ouch. I'm thinking about renaming this thread "Cruel and unusual punishment." Who's with me?

Pat and Mike are staggering home from a Dublin bar in the wee hours, sipping from a bottle Pat puts in his back pocket. Suddenly, Pat slips on a wet cobblestone and takes a bad fall.

Getting up, Pat says "Mike, look quick. There is somethin' wet running down me leg. Tell me what it is."

Mike replies, "It's bad, Pat. That's blood."

Pat replies, "Saints be praised. For a second, I feared it was the whiskey!"